After the lovely long weekend in honor of the profound life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King, my school held a thought-provoking faculty inservice centered on personal wellness. We were enormously lucky to have the renowned researcher, speaker and author, Dr. Brene Brown (there is an accent over the e but I cannot figure out how to place it there). Dr. Brown lives in Houston and teaches at the University of Houston. She is a highly sought after presenter who travels around the country and world talking about her research findings in the areas of shame and vulnerability. I had heard her speak once before, but while I found her work interesting, the message did not resonate with me as deeply as the one she gave last Tuesday did.
I took voluminous notes; however, I do not presume to be capable of telling you exactly what Dr. Brown said word for word. So, if you are interested in hearing the message straight from the researcher's mouth,
these books are readily available:
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
&
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power
Dr. Brown and her team of researchers have done hours and hours of interviews with people of all ages about these issues, and her findings are really worthy of our attention.
One of the most relevant takeaways for me from the lecture was her line that "we live in a culture of deep scarcity." Dr. Brown describes this as the prevailing belief that we can never be or do enough. For example, we can never be successful enough, or rich enough, or thin enough or good enough.
The underlying cultural message is that, according to Dr. B.: If you are leading an ordinary life, you are leading a meaningless life." We are bombarded with this message in so many ways. The media celebrates celebrity even when it is false or empty as is the case with most reality tv stars. People are now famous for being famous rather than for anything of value that they have accomplished or created.
At a school like mine, where everyone (teachers and students alike) are constantly pushing themselves to be better, to be the best, there is an air of competitiveness and stress that permeates everything. Don't get me wrong, it is a wonderful place to teach and to learn, but that high level of academic excellence brings with it a certain level of stress and tension.
One of the ways we combat these feelings of inadequacy are through LOVE and BELONGING. I know it sounds trite but I am not making this stuff up. We need to believe that we are "profoundly lovable" and we need to believe that we belong, that we fit in. Dr. Brown ties both of these to the need to be vulnerable. She explained that there are cultural myths about vulnerability that most of us buy into.
We believe that vulnerability is weakness and we believe that vulnerability is optional. She vehemently disproves both of those statements.
Obviously, just as plants cannot grow without water or light, vulnerability cannot flourish without trust and safety. This is where Dr. Brown's exhaustive research on shame and guilt come in. Being a Jewish mother, and having a Jewish mother, I thought I knew everything there was to know about guilt, but I was wrong. In Brown's lexicon, guilt is not terrible when used appropriately. It is shame that is the villain. Let me try to explain. Dr. Brown explained that people may be either GUILT-PRONE or SHAME-PRONE. Not surprisingly, much of this distinction can be traced back to the parenting style in your family of origin. Look at these two very different examples that Dr. Brown uses.
FAMILY #1: "You're a great kid, but that was a really bad decision that you made."
FAMILY #2: "You're a bad kid."
The child in family one will, in all likelihood, grow up to have a healthy sense of guilt when he does something wrong. He will feel responsible and take responsibility for his actions, but he will not feel like he is a failure every time he fails.
The child in family two, however, will tend to blame others for his mistakes and rationalize rather than accept responsibility. He will not be able to separate his ultimate feelings of worth from his occasional mistakes or bad decisions.
In other words, it is natural and healthy to feel guilt when we have erred. We should not feel shamed. We should not feel that who we are is being attacked rather than what we have done.
So how are shame and vulnerability connected? Well, if we live/work in a culture that tends to shame us if we do not comply with its demands, then we shut down, wear masks and refuse to risk being vulnerable. Dr.Brown encourages us to "let ourselves be seen." She argues persuasively that real connection only happens when we are authentically present (my words), when our goal is to be seen rather to fit in (her words).
I think Dr. Brown's work applies to every home, every business, and every classroom. If I have piqued your interest, check out one of her books. I apologize, in advance, if I have gotten any of her ideas wrong and I accept responsibility fully for any errors. However, I am certainly not ashamed because I know I did my best :)
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